How Reading The Bible Literally Destroys Christianity

Isn’t it crazy that some people think the Bible is like, important in Christianity? It’s just some letters written by patriarchal men who sought to dominate women.

Why don’t we just pray to God? Like, The Bible doesn’t tell me how to pray to God my mother, I mean like Jesus calls him Father. (Matthew 6:9-13)

That’s just the beginning.

Jesus says he is a door (John 10:7) How many Jesus’ are there? I see doors everyday, which one is he?

In the Song of Solomon 1:15, A man objectifies a woman and tells her her eyes look like doves. How absurd is that? Why on earth would he say that she has birds for eyes? This is clearly a reference to the old slang “bird brain” and he is displaying his misogyny by thinking women aren’t smarter than men.

In Isaiah 64:8, It compares us to pottery. We are clay? Really? Like go to the doctor and tell him you’re clay and watch him laugh you out of the office. Plus, clay is sticky and yucky, obviously we are not made of clay.

In Deuteronomy 32:4, he says he is the Rock! So, does this mean he’s like one of those rocks on the ground or is he Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson? The Bible is like, so confusing.

In Matthew 5:13, it calls us the salt of the earth. Okay, first off, while I may be salty and I love my sodium, I’m clearly not made of salt. Like, the salt of the earth is the kind you buy at the store right?

Then there is like people who take this guy Ussher and accept his chronology and are like Neo-Ussherians. They think like the Earth is younger than trees and they don’t believe in climate change. In the words of the famous philosopher and possible next president Paris Hilton,


The only verse they don’t seem to take serious is Matthew 7:1 where Jesus says not to judge people. That’s the verse I choose to follow and before you ask, yes, I can pick and choose what I believe in the Bible because MEN wrote it.

Then like the Bible talks about the flood but I mean, Zeus did the flood first and his flood was local.

When the Bible condemns cannibalism as a curse this is actually a good thing, because the motivation was that we shouldn’t culturally appropriate from other cultures that eat their dead and such. The Bible was clearly progressive in it’s time.

Jesus calls himself the bread of life, but my question is will the little crackers they give out in church be gluten-free? Because how can you have life with gluten? Gluten gives you thunder thighs.

Lastly, I mean, who even reads books anymore? That’s so 20th century. Anything longer than a tweet is too long. This post being the exception of course, because I wrote it.

As you can see, reading the Bible literally destroys Christianity.

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