Bible verses getting you down? Tired of those old “Go to Church every Sunday” Christians? Like, I can’t even with them either, so here is a helpful list of things you can do to condone everything the Bible is against, while still claiming to worship the God who inspired it!
1.) Use the Imago Dei as an excuse to misgender God.
Like really, what is God if we can’t make him into our own image? All these (cis)sys assume God is a male, but like, there is a feminine noun or something when referring to the Holy Sprit, so obviously these readers are just misogynists.
2.) Make your faith all about money.
All these old time Christians, saying that faith in God means we have to suffer? Like what? Do they think we are Buddhists? The Christian faith is about making lots of money and always being happy. What’s that? Paul asked God to remove the thorn in his side and he responded his grace was sufficient? Clearly, Paul didn’t have enough faith, silly!
3.) Only pray for the people you like.
Everyone likes Jennifer, she’s bubbly, so of course when she asks for prayer you’re right there! But…uh-oh, Derek wants prayer. We don’t like Derek. He probably isn’t even a Christian…and did you hear that he called a girl fat once and he thinks those shoes match with that jacket? Like, unredeemable, I can’t even.
4.) Block anyone with a dissenting opinion.
Jesus never talked with people who disagreed with him, so you shouldn’t either, if people aren’t enlightened to your point of view already, do they really have hope? Don’t waste your time, block them from all social media and laugh about them with your friends!
5.) One-up everyone in pride
Joseph and Zachary really think they can read more books than me? Haha, that’s a joke. I read more books in a week than they will in their lifetime. I shouldn’t encourage them to read even if they are slow readers because they’d just embarrass themselves.
6.) Always Claim to Be More Christian than someone else.
Ethan is in college? Well, he has a tattoo, probably will turn liberal, he doesn’t have discernment like me.
Emily is getting married? Well, I could have been married like 3 times, but I don’t have time, I’m busy doing godly things.
He thinks he’s a Christian for getting baptized in a heated pool? I was baptized in a cold November river! Top that, heathen!
7.) Never admit you’re wrong,
Now, as you can see clearly, my dear mama, 1+1 is clearly 3.
“But it’s 2”
No, no, no, silly mother, it is 3, just open your eyes to the truth.
8.) Make non-essential issues essential for salvation.
You’re Old-Earth? Haha, come on dude, you need to believe the Bible.
A Cessationist? Do you have fun quenching the spirit?
#DatPostMil, do you really think the world is going to get better? I mean, look at newspaper, because that’s where I get my eschatology.
You’ve done it!
After you follow these easy eight steps, you will become a prideful, arrogant, and most importantly intolerant professing Christian who believes in a prosperity gospel and judges the truthfulness of God’s word with their feelings. Congratulations, you’re a cultural Christian!